


Love Me/Hate Me

by binchans



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Arguing, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, M/M, Rough Sex, Sad Ending, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:36:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27428050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/binchans/pseuds/binchans
Summary: Chan and Felix's relationship started out fine. Good things don't last long.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 8
Kudos: 74





	Love Me/Hate Me

It was a rainy day when Chan first met him. The type of day that was best spent with a blanket and a movie.

He was sitting in a booth of a small cafe, reading a book while sipping his coffee, when the bell that was above the door jangled, signalling someone entering the shop.

Chan looked up out of habit, just an unconscious flick of his eyes.

What he saw nearly knocked the breath out of him.

Chan didn't believe in love at first sight, but this was pretty close.

Despite the dreary day, the boy who had just walked in seemed to light up the entire room with a sweet warmth. His honey-red hair, freckles, and shining brown eyes caught Chan's gaze first. The boy sat at one of the stools at the counter, pulling off his coat.

He was lovely. So lovely, that Chan couldn't resist.

He stood up, walking over to the boy.

"Hey. I'm Chan."

The boy smiled up at him, making Chan's heart skip a beat. "I'm Felix."

xx

They became fast friends. Soon, that friendship blossomed into something more for Chan, and even though he didn't know it, for Felix as well.

His mind was constantly filled with Felix. He was virtually unable to think of anything else. Sure, he'd dated before, but Felix...Felix was different. It wasn't just a passing crush.

Both boys were falling deeply in love with each other, but neither wanted to admit it.

They spent as much time together as they could without it being awkward for the both of them. It turned out that they went to the same college, so they often studied together at the cafe they met in, stealing glances at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking.

They'd tentatively flirt with each other, neither doing anything too extreme or really even pushing their relationship in a romantic direction.

Until Chan finally worked up the nerve to ask him on a proper date, stuttering over his words. But it was worth it to see Felix's face light up in happiness.

xx

It was a simple occasion, not extravagant in any way. Chan wasn't one for big displays of affection anyway.

Chan had gotten them each a hot chocolate, - with extra cream on Felix's, of course - and wandered down the wet, rainy streets of Seoul.

Their hands tentatively brushed against one another's as they walked, Felix's cheeks turning a soft pink every time they did.

They had walked in silence for close to ten minutes when Felix had let out a small gasp.

"Chan, it's snowing!"

Chan blinked, turning his face up to the steadily darkening sky. All he felt was rain.

Felix tugged his arm and he looked down. Felix opened his palm, showing him the tiny water droplet tinged with white. It was a small snowflake, rapidly melting against the heat of his palm.

Chan gently held Felix's wrist, bringing his hand up for a closer look.

It was nothing more than a water drop by now, but Chan studied Felix's palm for a moment more, trying to work up a tiny bit of courage.

"Cool."

Instead of letting go of Felix's hand, he just gently entertwined their fingers.

He tried to keep the smile off his face, and Felix did too. They both failed and wandered hand in hand down the street, waterproof lights strung around tree branches lighting their way.

xx

Months later, they sat by the fireplace in Chan's apartment, bundled up in big blankets as a Christmas movie played on the television. The boys ignored it, only focused on each other. Chan gently held both of Felix's hands between one of his, his thumb softly rubbing over the smooth skin of his palm.

"Imagine if we got married." Felix said dreamily.

Chan snorted. "Where did that come from?"

Felix pouted. "Nowhere, just randomly thought of it. We could even get a buffet."

Chan stared at Felix for a moment before bursting out laughing. "Oh, I see. You only want to get married so that you can have a buffet, right?"

"N-No!" Felix argued, trying to get Chan to stop laughing.

xx

"Stop talking." Chan said quietly, his eyes closed and his hands shaking from holding his anger back. "Felix, stop."

Felix sniffled, standing in front of Chan. His cheeks were red and his eyes were watery. "This would have never happened if you weren't so freaking insec-"

"DON'T CALL ME INSECURE!" Chan finally let go of all the anger he'd been harboring against Felix, slamming his trembling hand down on their small dining room table. "I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BEGS AND CRIES, ASKING YOU TO STAY HOME INSTEAD OF GOING TO CLASS BECAUSE I'M TOO SCARED THAT YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S YOU, FELIX! IT'S ALL YOU! YOU'RE SO CLINGY THAT YOU WON'T EVEN LET ME LIVE MY OWN LIFE!"

Chan knew he went too far, calling Felix clingy. He knew it was a touchy subject. Felix had once confided in him that all his previous relationships had ended because they thought Felix was too overbearing.

But he couldn't find it in himself to care, not when his heart was pounding and the lump in his throat was growing bigger with each passing second.

"You think I'm clingy?"

"Maybe I do."

"Then you're like all the others."

"Wait, Felix-"

xx

After their fight had ended and both boys had cooled down, Chan decided to try and talk to him again. He sat down on their couch, next to Felix's trembling figure. He wrapped an arm around Felix's shoulders, feeling the boy sag against him.

"I didn't mean it, I swear." Chan murmured, running his fingers through Felix's hair as the smaller boy started sobbing against his shoulder.

"I-I know." Felix choked out the words, sharp inhales of breath cutting through every so often. "And I'm sorry for calling you insecure. It's not true, I was just mad, I didn't know what else to say, I'm just so, so, so, so, sorr-"

"Felix, it's okay. Let's just forget about it, yeah?"

Felix nodded shakily. "Yeah. Let's just forget about it."

While that fight was forgotten, the countless ones after it weren't.

xx

Christmas was over, and Chan was troubled.

His and Felix's fights were increasing, both in number and in severity.

He tried to avoid fighting, but it just wasn't enough.

And he didn't want to admit that 90% of the time, it was Felix starting the fights.

It would be something small, like Chan forgetting to turn off the bathroom light.

Felix would bug him about it, both of them getting angrier and angrier until one of them finally exploded.

The sweet days of their relationship were over, and it hurt Chan. He just wanted to be happy with Felix again, but that didn't seem like it was ever going to happen unless he did something to fix it.

He knew that for both of them to be happy, they needed to be apart, at least for a little while.

It wasn't something he wanted. He wished he could just hug Felix and everything would go back to the way it was, but he knew it wasn't possible.

If he wanted to repair things with Felix, they needed a break.

xx

Chan would never forget the look of utter pain on Felix's face when he suggested that they take a break from each other. "It will be good for us."

Felix looked away, tears slipping down his cheeks. "Good for you, you mean. You just want to get away from me, right?"

"No, Felix, we just need to take a-"

"WE DON'T NEED A BREAK!" Felix shouted, his voice laced with agony. "We don't! We're fine!"

Chan let out a humorless chuckle. "Felix, we're so far from fine it's not even funny."

"We can fix it, alright? I know we can. We always do."

"Felix, no. We can't fix this." Chan whispered, his heart already aching at the prospect of being away from Felix.

Felix let out a ragged sob and yanked his hands away from Chan. "Do whatever you want, I don't care." He whispered, and Chan could tell he was fighting to keep his voice steady.

And that's when he realized.

A break wouldn't fix them.

It couldn't.

The only thing that would fix them was moving through life without each other.

"Felix," Chan whispered, the words cutting his throat as he tried to get them out.

The look on Felix's face told him that he knew what was about to happen. "Wait, Chan, no, no, no, we can take a break, just don't say it, please, Chan..."

"I think...I think it's best for both of us if we break up."

At that moment, both boys' hearts crumpled in their chest.

xx

It was the second day they had taken a break when he got a call from Felix.

"Come say goodbye."

Chan would be an idiot if he said he didn't know what that meant.

"On my way."

When he arrived at their apartment, it was barely thirty seconds before they were all over each other. Chan clutched at Felix's waist, his movements rough and desperate as they kissed. He pushed Felix onto the couch, gasping for air. "Bad idea, Felix. We shouldn't."

"Let's do it anyway."

Barely ten minutes later, Felix was prepped and ready on their bed, the bed they used to share, the tip of Chan's cock teasing Felix's stretched hole.

"You're a brat." He growled in Felix's ear. "You know this will just cause us more pain."

"I don't care." Felix choked out. "Just fuck me."

That was all the encouragement Chan needed before he entered Felix in one fluid movement. He set a fast pace, spreading Felix's ass cheeks, his blunt nails digging into the soft skin.

Felix's soft whines filled the room, mingling with Chan's low grunts.

"I hate you. You ruined us." Chan snarled, slapping Felix's thigh harshly. Felix let out a sharp cry, just taking whatever Chan gave him.

"Say it." Chan grunted. "Tell me how you ruined our relationship."

"I-I'm too clingy..." Felix moaned. "I'm too jealous, I made you feel suffocated, I'm sorry, Chan."

"Sorry won't cut it anymore, Lix." Chan whispered.

"I know." Felix said softly, before letting out a whimper when Chan hit his prostate dead-on.

It only took a few more thrusts from Chan for Felix to come undone.

He came all over himself and the sheets, gasping.

Chan noticed and sped up the pace of his thrusts, spilling his hot semen inside of Felix's ass.

He flopped down next to Felix, pressing soothing kisses on the shaking, sobbing boy's tearstained cheeks.

He held Felix in his arms, knowing he would regret this in the morning but not wanting to let go of him just yet.

xx

It had been fourteen days since Chan left Felix.

Fourteen days of crying.

Fourteen days of staring listlessly at the wall.

Fourteen days of telling himself not to pick up his phone and beg for Felix to take him back.

It was the only way they could heal.

Their relationship was too toxic to continue.

At least, that's what he told himself.

He curled up under the blankets of the spare bed in his best friend's apartment, trying not to cry. He was never this emotional. He never let himself get like this. But what he'd felt for Felix was so much stronger than anything else he'd ever felt for anyone. He felt empty without Felix next to him.

How was he supposed to survive this?

Was it possible to die of a broken heart?

xx

Chan stared at his phone, his heart pounding.

Call him.

CALL HIM.

No, don't call him.

In the end, Chan didn't need to call Felix. Because Felix called him.

xx

Ignoring his better judgement, Chan hurriedly picked up his phone, answering the call. "Felix?"

"Channie?" Felix sniffled.

Chan's heart cracked at how utterly weak Felix sounded.

"Chan, I'm so lonely. A break won't help us..."

"It's helping." Chan whispered, even though he didn't believe it. "Don't you feel better without all the fighting?"

"No, Chan, I'm so alone. I miss you. I'd rather fight than be alone. Please come over, just for a little while? Like a test."

Chan closed his eyes, trying to ward off an incoming headache. "Felix don't do this to me..."

"Please, Chan." Chan recognized the telltale signs of Felix starting to cry.

"Felix..." He groaned.

"Please." Felix whispered, sounding hopeless, like he knew Chan would refuse anyway, no matter how much he begged.

"Just to test." Chan mumbled, because he really, really wanted to see Felix, just as much as the latter wanted to see Chan.

xx

Chan hurried up the stairs to his and Felix's shared apartment, his breath fogging up in front of him in the cold, January air.

He knocked on the door, his heart pounding in his chest. It opened almost immediately.

They looked at each other for a moment and then they were hugging, neither wanting to let go first.

Eventually Chan did, shutting the door.

"You have to keep the door shut," He murmured. "You know how easily you get sick."

He traced his fingertips over Felix's pretty features, his breath hitching in his throat. "I really missed you."

Felix closed his eyes, leaning into Chan's touch. "I missed you, too."

Chan sat down awkwardly on their couch, patting the spot next to him. Felix got the hint and sat down. Chan grabbed his hand without thinking, turning it over and tracing his fingers over the boy's palm.

"Felix, how have you been?" He asked softly.

"Bad. I miss you."

Chan chuckled dryly. "So you've said."

He waited a beat before speaking again.

"Felix, we can't keep doing this. It's not good for either of us."

"But Chan-" Felix started to talk but Chan interrupted him.

"No, Felix. Let me speak." He took a deep breath before continuing.

"I think it's best...if we don't see each other any more. At all. No contact."

"Chan, don't do this. We love each other, right?"

"Yeah. We do. But sometimes, love isn't enough."

xx

As Chan slowly walked to his car, he could hear Felix's grief-filled sobs still ringing in his ears.


End file.
